Love Divided By Five: Devastation

            I didn’t feel well when I woke up that morning.  I told Kent that there was something wrong with my stomach.  His concern was to look at me and say, “Maybe you need to poop.” I just shook my head at him. I hopped of the futon and almost killed myself. The floor was cold and I attempted to find something to put on my feet, but I couldn’t see the damm floor for all the crap Kent had on it.  I decided to go to the bathroom. On the way I thought to myself this is not poop pain. But then, it didn’t hurt to go attempt.

            When I arrived in the bathroom I sat down and noticed a little blood in my urine.  This didn’t surprise me because Kent and I had sex the night before so I just finished my morning pit stop and went to shower.  I thought to myself I might feel better after that. The water felt warm on my cold skin as I washed the night’s dirt off of my aching body.  I closed my eyes and stood there for a moment wishing that the pain would go away.  The moment I felt better I turned the water off and exited the shower. My stomach felt better all of a sudden.  I told Kent when I went back in his room to finish getting dressed that maybe he was right, even though I knew I hadn’t pooped at all.

            I went about my day, visiting my clients at work.  I guess with the hustle and bustle of the day, I ignored the grown pain in my stomach and abdomen.  It was not until that afternoon, about 3 p.m., I noticed the pain had returned.  I asked my friend Carrie if she had a tampon because I thought my body might be trying to have a period (something it does everyone once in a blue moon considering that I haven’t had a period on my own since I was 16) and made my way to the bathroom.  Once I arrived there, I saw the mess that was in my underwear.  I swore at myself because I should have stopped at home after the stomach cramp and gotten a pad just to be safe. Not only had I ruined my underwear, but my pants had a nice stain in there as well.  I was going to have to leave work and go home. This was good because I didn’t want to be at work anymore but bad because I hadn’t cycled in about a year. I knew it was going to be a great while before this was over.

            Over the next 4 hours I went to the bathroom about every thirty minutes.  I was changing my tampon and pad each time. They were both full of blood every time. At first I did not think much of it because this was common of the first day of my period.  What made me worry were the clumps I saw in the pad. At one point there was so much I screamed. Luckily my best friend had come over by then.  As I remember back if it was not for him I would have miscarried on the floor of my apartment bathroom.

            He rushed me to the hospital. The doctors and nurses kept looking at me and saying nothing is wrong it was just a period. They gave me 5 pregnancy tests, the blood continued to gush out. I walked around the hospital room, blood dripping out of me like someone had stabbed me in my abdomen. I kept screaming at the nurses, you got to be fucking kidding this is just a period. It felt like my insides were turning inside out. I cried from the pain, because they didn’t know what was wrong with and because I did—I was losing Kent’s baby.  I called him, and could barely talk; wanting to tell him what was going on.  I told him I was at the hospital and that they didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I wanted to tell him “I think I am losing your child,” but it couldn’t form the words.  Kent has never handled bad news well.  I told him when I knew something other than I was just bleeding everywhere, I would let him know.  He asked if I wanted him to come. I told him there was no point and I would call him when they released me.

            I closed my eyes on the hospital bed and drifted to sleep for a moment. I saw myself with a huge pregnant belly and people standing around me.  I was happy.  Kent was there holding my hand and I felt safe.  I felt myself smile in my dream and for a moment I forgot the pain in my gut and the steadily growing puddle under my butt.  I started to cry. The scene in my head was not going to happen because the happiness that engulfed that scene was going away with every drop of blood that hit the hospital bed.

            I waited.  3 a.m. came.  They told me I could go home. They repeated it is just a period. Buki laughed and helped me get dressed. They gave me a pad to put on and a few for the ride home.  That pad would be overflowed by the time I went home.  I was losing my baby.

            Two days later, I saw my Ob-Gyn.  She told me that I was right. I was pregnant and that my body naturally passed a tubal pregnancy.  She wouldn’t be able to completely check to make sure everything had passed till I stopped bleeding.  She gave me some pills to bring a period on so if any of the debris was still there, it would be forced out with the cycle.  And she gave me a hug and told me it just wasn’t meant to be. I was torn apart. I felt like a part of me was lost in the garbage.  I would never get to meet that person who had started growing in me.  I never told Kent, I didn’t have the heart. Why did we both need to feel devastated?